Programming Private Functions Take on a Whole New Meaning

Some code I am currently working on as part of a geeky writing project enjoy:

Private function bowel movement { //just a quick pitstop

if have_paper = false { //if there is NO toilet paper
//do this

you.hold_it(at_work); //the passed parameter is when
//to recall this function

else{ //do this if there is toilet
//paper

select:

case if toilet_seat_lid = down{ //check to see if lid is down
you.lift(toilet_seat_lid); //lift up the lid
break //exit select
} //end of first case

case if toilet_seat_lid = up && toilet_seat = up { //check if the seat is up
you.drop(toilet_seat); //put down the landing pad
break //exit select
} //end of second case

case if toilet_seat_lid = up && toilet_seat = down { //our work here is done
break //exit select
} //end of third case

end select //the seat and lid are where
//they need to be

while toilet_trusted = false { //if the toilet is NOT trusted
//do this
if toilet = public && seatcovers = true { //you are in luck
you.cover_seat(seat_cover,1); //note: seat covers vary in
//thickness I would like to
//re-evaluate this method in
//future to allow for "doubling
//up" if germophobe = true
//for now this will have to do.
toilet = trusted; //this will exit the while loop
} //end if

else { //if there are no seat covers
//available do this
you.cover_seat(toilet_paper,12); //I find 12 squares is usually
//sufficient
toilet = trusted; //now we can get to business
} //end else
end while //end while loop

you.drop_trousers(knee); //stop your grin'n and drop
//your linen.
//the passed parameter
//determines how far to drop 'em

you.sit(toilet_seat); //I always imagine it's a throne

you.empty_bowel; //this is where the magic happens

you.wipe_bum(toilet_paper,8,4); //all over butt the paperwork
//I reused this function from my
//camp program by adding the
//passed variable of wiping_with
//in this situation we are
//passing toilet_paper.

you.stand; //whatever you do don't look back

you.drop_trousers(waist); //may rename this function to
//adjust trouser height in later
//versions to be more readable

toilet.flush(2); //no one likes floaties
//plumbing errors are handled by
//the flush routine

} //end else if toilet paper

} //end private function bowel
//movement